It was mid way through the 36th week. Around 8 am on 21st April 2015 the water broke . happy, nervous , excited and in pain we rushed to the hospital. Soon I was in the labour room, my bed separated by 4 large white curtains from the adjescent beds. I couldn't see any one near by .. Only heard the voices. I was asked to lie down while the nurse prepared to check me up.. But Something was unusual at that moment . I could not feel the movement, the pain was gone, and that mild thump on my left abdomen was missing. I prayed that everything is OK as my husband waited outside. The nurse finally arrived with the Doppler's machine. I saw her and another nurse struggle to locate the hearbeat . then I heard them say "can't locate the heartbeat". They rushed to call the doctor in charge during that hour. It was a hush hush situation. I wasn't allowed to get up nor anyone spoke to me. Each time a new nurse or assistant came in, poured the gel , ran the machine over my tummy in various direction but could find nothing. At around 10 my doctor came and asked for a USG. Few minutes later the machines were taken back and everyone left. Only my doc stood there holding my hand and saying "I am sorry, you need to be strong. Let me talk to your husband". There was this pin drop silence after that . no screaming , no tears. I just had a blank mind and a numb surrounding. She then left me alone in that curtained chamber and went out to speak to my husband. Few hours later I delivered my sleeping child . my Ansh.
I Wish "sleeping child" only remained as one of my favourite tracks from MLTR but unfortunately these two words became the bitter truth of my life forever.
This incident left me clueless where I didn't know how to move ahead without my baby now. While I knew he won't come back , I kept hoping for some miracle to happen . Months passed by with tears and many sleepless nights .Soon it was time for me to join back work and start everything afresh.
Things seemed all fine and normal initially as few of my friends and colleagues ensured I stay happy and took good care of me. Some short weekend trips with my husband kept both of us happy. I started meditation, focussed on losing some weight and gaining back the lost nutrients. I listened to music a lot and ensured to keep myself busy throughout the day with office or household chores. We visited temple every Saturday which really helped us gain strength and fight through this difficult phase of life.
But as they say, being a mother is the toughest job. For me, being a "sleeping child's" mother had its own challenges. The fact that I didn't have my baby in my arms after being bonded to him for 8.5 months, kept me irritated and angry most of the time. The questions "why me?Why him?where did I go wrong?" Always kept haunting me. Posts on maternity photoshoot, any new born arrival , kids bday parties etc. On social media pricked me. I even had to face questions like "what exactly happened that day ?" " how are you coping up with it" . "when are you planning next?". A usual day even started with a greeting like " hey , watsup.. how's your baby doing?" And then out of self realisation they even apologised.
With bitter and sweet moments , every single day felt like a long year . By God's grace, within a year of losing Ansh, I conceived again. On Oct 26, 2016, Aarav's arrival completed my small world .
The journey of being a mother wasn't very pleasant for me. Losing ansh had shattered me from within , but at the same time it gave me the strength to get going and make things right again. It taught me to be patient and think practically even during the intense emotional trauma I was going through . I learnt to chose what is right for the moment Where I decided to quit my job at the peak of my career as I didn't want to take any risk with aarav.
After 9 years of work experience, today I am a full time house wife and I love my new role. Every day is full of love and surprise where I watch Aarav achieve his milestones while ansh is missed and remembered in my silent tears.